…when you get diagnosed with breast tumor…several of them to be precise…for the second time in your life…at the age of 32…and on top of several other health challenges that have been handicapping your life for the past 4 years. It really isn’t.
Monster in a Closet
It happened 2 years ago and it took me over a year and a half after that to realize it’s time for me to really take back the charge of my life, not only in theory, but mostly in real life as well. About five months ago, soon after learning about my condition, my boyfriend at the time asked me a very meaningful question: “So, what have you been doing about it?” It was only then that it actually struck me how I’ve been quietly keeping the monster in a closet, hoping it would somehow go away on its own if I ignore it long enough. Looking back on it now, I can’t stop myself from lovingly laughing at myself about it and saying: “You think?! You really believed that?!”.
To Share Or Not To Share, That Is The Question
At first, I was very reluctant to share this part of my life publicly, or even outside of the group of my closest friends and family. After all, it’s a very private, personal thing and I used to be a very private person back then. Besides, I was brought up into a perfectionist and it was extremely hard for me to recognize and admit to myself, and mostly to others, that I actually do have flaws.
Time passed by and I have really stepped up in actively working on my personal growth and taking good care of myself since that life changing question. It’s a day by day wisdom and I’m learning new things about life and myself every day. Looking back on all the experience and growth life offered me through hard challenges in the past years, I realized that this can be a way of me giving back and maybe even helping or inspiring someone else to overcome similar hurdles in their life. I want to let everyone who’s struggling in one way or another know, that it is possible to rise above the challenges, live a well-balanced life and have a successful business regardless of what life throws at you.
So, here I stand before you today, openly and genuinely, finally owning everything that I am and that I do, sharing with you the full intimate story that changed my life dramatically and is continuously improving my life for the better each day by molding me into the person I was always meant to be.
Ticking Bomb Waiting to Go Off
Ever since I can remember, I was playing by my rules…only! Regardless of whether I was right or not. I was always hard on myself, tough, know it all, persistent, a lot of times to my own detriment. I can’t say I was blind and unaware of what was happening before it all went down the road, but I was so trapped by circumstances and happenings in my life I didn’t know how to exit. It came like a calm before the storm in april of 2009.
At the time, I was living in my own place for about 3 years, alone, supporting myself while still being a full-time student and working my beautiful behind off to make the ends meet. Failing it big time, but too scared and proud to ask for some help. Unknowingly, I was a ticking bomb just waiting to go off.
The Tipping Point
I was in an extremely unhealthy business arrangement with a man who later proved to be a giant crook. Having worked myself out for him without seeing any of my efforts coming to fruition in 6 months, with unpaid bills creepily piling up on me, this was a tipping point for the storm to start.
Of course, there were some serious warning signs prior to it, which I intentionally ignored. Remember, I “had” to do all that work to pay all those scary bills, 12 to 16 hours behind my computer, working late hours, barely getting any sleep, eating poorly, totally diminishing my social life. “Friends? What friends?” All I saw was an empty wallet and threatening bills.
Even Alarming Cries From My Own Body Didn’t Make Me Stop
The first cry for help came in a form of severe headache that lasted for 3 days, just a few months before the big hit. Afterwards, my already existing sensitivity to the sunlight got so much worse I was unable to tolerate any light for days. But it got better after about two weeks, so I switched back to the “ignore mode”.
It wasn’t long before I got a few new scares when my brain started to switch off from time to time, leaving me unable to understand obvious things and engage myself in social conversations. After a short while, people started noticing my blackouts and figuring out that something isn’t right. While feeling embarrassed about it, unfortunately I was still holding on to “ignore-it will get better mode”. Well, it didn’t.
It was a perfect example for applying one of my favourite quotes from Albert Einstein:
“The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I was just too out of it to see straight.
Falling To Pieces
Until it all fell to pieces in early summer of 2009. I was forced to drop my online and offline businesses overnight. My brain switched off extensively, I suffered from severe memory loss, was unable to think, concentrate, read, write, or even speak normal sentences. I totally burned myself out. All of a sudden my head became empty and even a slight attempt to think exhausted me completely.
The first few months were the hardest. I was physically worn-out, sleeping through the most of the days and staring into emptiness through the most of my awake time, hours passing by without me even realizing I wasn’t there. It was a start of a hard and long recovery that is still going on today. Luckily, I have the most wonderful parents who literally supported me the following two years, while I was mostly unable to work and concentrating solely on getting well.
They Said I was Depressed?!! I Said I’m Not Playing This Game!
Doctors said I was depressed and anxious, forcing medication for it on me. Fortunately, I was so listless, they weren’t able to “sell” anything to me, at least not for long time. They weren’t really listening to what I had to say and after refusing to listen to them, some of them even gave up on me.
So, after first few months of recovery, when I was rested enough to start thinking about my situation and what happened to me (or more likely what I brought on myself), I decided to take matters into my own hands. I wanted to find a solution to my health challenges, fix things in the shortest time possible and with the least damage left afterwards.
I was still extremely tired, lacking energy, sleeping through most of the day, dealing with my brain shut downs, but I was eager to get well even for 2 minutes a day. Boy was I in for a surprise. In my persistent attempts to figure it out and endless visits to doctors I was diagnosed with autoimmune disease which finally explained my fatigue, memory loss, inability to concentrate or think logically, fogginess in my head and several other issues my doctors previously packed into the definition of depression.
360 Degree Turns And Quantum Leaps
After starting the treatment for it, things got a tiny bit better, but not really the way I was hoping them to be. In the mean time I started to see a psychotherapists and was learning a lot about life and myself.
Things finally started falling into place when I met a special person who will always stay very dear to me. He helped me move mountains, jump through several hoops, make endless 360 degree turns and quantum leaps. I was completely reborn with a new meaning and full of new views of life. By then I was also able to read again, slowly and closely, with just about right understanding for the books that crossed my path, taking it all in.
It all started to get better once and for all. The key to it was me realizing that I’m the unconditional love, one with everything, solely responsible for my life and being, the ultimate source with all the answers lying within me. For me, finally feeling this way and putting to practice all I have been reading about and hearing from certain people in my life was a no turning point to the thriving life I am experiencing now.
Back To Work, Off My Parent’s Teat
After two and a half years of thoroughly physically and spiritually working on myself, I was able to work again. It makes me extremely happy and proud that I got to this stage where I have been able to support myself for the past year and a half. With health issues still here, but several of them already gone, working half time, while still focusing on getting well.
There is still a lot of heavy lifting waiting in this life for me, but now I’m looking forward to all the lessons life has yet to teach me. I know dealing with the latest one – the breast tumor – is only life’s way of pointing me into the right direction after following the wrong road for the most of my life. I was littering all over my soul, mind and my body for so many years it was only a matter of time until my actions or the lack of them backfired in some way. And I’m also completely at peace with the possibility of taking me years to fully recover, if at all.
The Gerson’s Way
In addition to all of my previous efforts, I have been doing the Gerson therapy for the past 5 months. Completely focusing on detoxifying my body from all the toxins accumulated over the years of poor diet, and indulging myself in healthy, organic and nutritious foods to build my cells from scratch. In this short amount of time of practicing it, I am already seeing tremendous results. It’s not easy, but it’s working! That’s the only thing that matters.
I no longer need 10-12 hours of sleep. To my own huge surprise, I no longer have a problem getting up early in the morning…rested! My skin has improved dramatically. The energy I have takes me places, literally. I revived my love for sports and long forgotten hobbies and even found some new ones. Days simply don’t have enough hours for all the things I want and can do now. And I’m growing stronger every day.
Life is mostly peachy now. It’s the way I see and feel it. Everything is a gift, even things falling hard on me. Sure there are still hard days, difficult times, moments of my body turning its back on me, moments when all the motivation gets drained out, moments of doubt. But now I have the means and tools to recognize the cause behind it and recover from these points fairly quickly. These are the moments that help me grow.
Ready To Jump Back On That Wagon
Even though the therapy occupies most of my time, businesswise, I am ready to dig into my online business again. Now I have even more wisdom and experience to share. Building everything from the ground up again is challenging and it would be much easier if I could just start from where I left off. But I’m looking forward to each new experience that awaits me on this road, the people behind it, the new relationships and friendships coming my way, and giving back this way, too.
I Love My Life!
It took 34 years of several wrong turns and a lucky few right ones to get me to where I am today and I wouldn’t change a thing. I love my life! Everything about it. I’m overwhelmed with all the gratitude I feel for all the blessings in my life. Learning the hard way taught me to appreciate every moment I am given to live, every breath I am given to breath, every laughter I am given to feel, all the beauty around me I am given to see and all the music I am given to hear.
I’ve forgotten all the negativity, forgiven the misunderstandings and wrongdoings, swapped problems for challenges and bad for interesting, erased “I must” from my vocabulary and added the beautiful “I choose to”, and learned to say “No.” without feeling guilty at all. I’m finally bursting with excitement and endless love for myself, for each and every person in my life and absolutely everything that life brings to me. I’m ready to rock & roll again and I’m rolling it quite nicely!
See? It wasn’t the end of the World. The life is just beginning!
Thank you my Angels, to each and every one of you, for touching my heart, making a difference and being there for me throughout this picturesque journey of mine – the Universe, my dear mom & dad, beloved sister Nadja & Milan & Vid, Rajko & Sanja, Maruša, Maja, Rašo, Nataša D., Tomaž & Saša, Tina, Patricija, Polona, Špela, Tilen, Nataša P., Norbert, Mirko Z. and especially Grega for shooting the right question at the right time and helping me start off with Gerson Therapy. I love you all dearly!
Trackback from your site.